Not quite right

I was so excited to make organic mac and cheese tonight (a leftover box from when Mike was home - we already ate the "Bugs and Slugs" but had shells left) and realized after the noodles had already started to cook that I didn't have any milk. No problem, I think. Well, it was just not quite right.

I feel that way about my... current situation? life? dunno what to call it. Not quite right. I knew this was going to be challenging, but it is so different than what I thought I was kinda-sorta-almost prepared for. Unfortunately, this feels so different than any of the other trainings and times apart. I guess I just know that when he is home it won't be for long / for good and that more time has to pass for him to really come home.

I feel kinda numb. I keep reassuring him that I'm just working my way through this and that I will be fine I just have to adjust. Boy do I wish I knew how to speed up THAT process.

I have these goals and ideas of what I should be doing, like relying on the Lord, cooking real food (not out of a box or frozen), getting back into yoga (which I did for all of 5 days this summer), reading etc etc. The thing is, inside I know that doing those things are what will help me adjust, and get through this awkward stage of newness. I'm just not there yet.

So if I feel like I have my "answers", but I'm just "not there yet" really I'm just being brutal to myself, I guess, because I'm essentially saying, oh no, just deal with the pain a little more and get to feel really bad, then maybe we can consider doing something healthy and beneficial. Grrrreat.

I find these feelings to be incredibly interesting from a clinical perspective with regards to individuals that are clinically depressed (not there yet, folks, mercifully!). I read / hear about the low energy and motivation component and how really they know how to get themselves out of the rut, there is just no desire. It's not that people who are depressed are stupid - they understand this! They just can't seem to get there - yet.

I have these days, sometimes, where I'm just all out of sorts - my clothes don't feel comfortable on me, I can't seem to decide if I'm hot or cold, there is nothing right to listen to and I'm just irritable! Yeah, sure it may just be PMS on occasion, but other times I really think it's because I can't fix things. No matter what I do, it doesn't fix the fact that I feel this void, this piece of me - missing.

Well, folks, that's as far as my introspection has gotten me thus far. Somewhat abrupt.. Stay tuned to read more ramblings as I figure them out!