Dear Diary...

(Pre?) Deployment Day 1:

Well, I've been told the countdown officially started yesterday (a max of 400 days deployment - in theory) and today is day 399. Even though the soldiers are still "in country", the countdown has begun. Really this is a good thing because it means less time overseas, but it has left me feeling confused about how to describe this new phase! Until Mike tells me what this is actually called, I'm calling it pre-deployment, because calling it deployment already sounds overly dramatic... can I truthfully state, "my husband is deployed"? I don't know... so - pre deployment it is.

Now that that is out of the way... I feel funny. I have seen both 3am and 4am two days in a row, and part of the funniness has to do with that, I'm sure. Things seem overwhelming to me and I'm irritable! Driving in the car to my parents house this evening I kept changing the temperature because nothing seemed to feel right and the radio because what song was really "safe" to listen to without starting water works? I decided on something annoying that give me a headache but at least it didn't make me think of h-i-m.

Backing up (did I mention that I have lost all sense of focus and organization? - should make for a good blog entry, folks!) these past 2 days went better and more smoothly than I could have imagined. I'm so thankful Mike's parents were able to come down and I feel closer to them now more than ever. I was expecting the last goodbye/ last hug / last kiss to break me - but I survived! I cried (duh!) but ya know I was fine! I was ok watching them fly away, and I was mostly ok the rest of the morning and drive home (it helped that Mom M road home with me and we chatted the entire way home)!

Thinking I was just miss fancy pants who has it all together already (how could I have been so dumb? I should have known better!) I sure was surprised when I got in the car to go to my parents house (the first time I've really had a moment to be with my thoughts) and couldn't stop crying = excellent time to be a wreck.. while driving! Superb! Then I was fine again while Dad was updating me on their time in Canada (for my great uncle's funeral) and next time I had a moment alone = water works! Damnit!!!

So THAT was frustrating! I think I'm feeling things similar to what I felt when a grandparent dies. Let me explain before you judge and think I've really gone off the deep end (and babe if you're reading this, yes, I know that just because you are away doesn't mean you're dead!!!!). I remember after my Grandpa Seagie passed away driving somewhere and thinking "gosh nobody knows and understands that this significant thing happened - how can they not see that? all these strangers driving and just going on with their normal lives while I'm having these out of body experiences and going through the motions and not really sure what's up and what's down."

Driving to my parents house this afternoon, I had those thoughts all over again. I felt like "gosh am I wearing a 'my husband is (pre?)deployed' tshirt? because I feel like people should just be able to tell because my feelings feel that strong? or a how can they not know and understand that this significant thing has happened and everything about my life and who I am feels.. different!" does what I'm saying make ANY sense to you? I'm still working on the wording for that whole tshirt experience. I guess I just feel branded - like I have a sign that tells the world what happened -but at the same time I know these people as they are driving don't know and understand, but still feel like they should? ok.. rein it in, Tina!

Hmm. so there's that. Then there's the "don't be nice to me or I'll cry" thinking - but then later deciding that I need a hug!

Jacked up PMS-like symptoms perhaps?

Well. Today is just day 1. Maybe my thoughts will be more coherent after some sleep!