I was so excited to make organic mac and cheese tonight (a leftover box from when Mike was home - we already ate the "Bugs and Slugs" but had shells left) and realized after the noodles had already started to cook that I didn't have any milk. No problem, I think. Well, it was just not quite right.
I feel that way about my... current situation? life? dunno what to call it. Not quite right. I knew this was going to be challenging, but it is so different than what I thought I was kinda-sorta-almost prepared for. Unfortunately, this feels so different than any of the other trainings and times apart. I guess I just know that when he is home it won't be for long / for good and that more time has to pass for him to really come home.
I feel kinda numb. I keep reassuring him that I'm just working my way through this and that I will be fine I just have to adjust. Boy do I wish I knew how to speed up THAT process.
I have these goals and ideas of what I should be doing, like relying on the Lord, cooking real food (not out of a box or frozen), getting back into yoga (which I did for all of 5 days this summer), reading etc etc. The thing is, inside I know that doing those things are what will help me adjust, and get through this awkward stage of newness. I'm just not there yet.
So if I feel like I have my "answers", but I'm just "not there yet" really I'm just being brutal to myself, I guess, because I'm essentially saying, oh no, just deal with the pain a little more and get to feel really bad, then maybe we can consider doing something healthy and beneficial. Grrrreat.
I find these feelings to be incredibly interesting from a clinical perspective with regards to individuals that are clinically depressed (not there yet, folks, mercifully!). I read / hear about the low energy and motivation component and how really they know how to get themselves out of the rut, there is just no desire. It's not that people who are depressed are stupid - they understand this! They just can't seem to get there - yet.
I have these days, sometimes, where I'm just all out of sorts - my clothes don't feel comfortable on me, I can't seem to decide if I'm hot or cold, there is nothing right to listen to and I'm just irritable! Yeah, sure it may just be PMS on occasion, but other times I really think it's because I can't fix things. No matter what I do, it doesn't fix the fact that I feel this void, this piece of me - missing.
Well, folks, that's as far as my introspection has gotten me thus far. Somewhat abrupt.. Stay tuned to read more ramblings as I figure them out!
10.31.2010
10.28.2010
The Daybook
Hello! I've been so not up on my almost daily ramblings! My serious thoughts are percolating, so check back later!
On a non-serious note, for anyone that has decided that they too like looking at fashion blogs, I've got a new one to share!! It's called "The Daybook" and it is super adorable, charming and well - just wonderful! I love her random snip-its of info from her life with her husband. Cuteness! I really think Kendi Everyday and The Daybook are my 2 current favorites right now! I'm sure many people could easily have negative things to say about fashion blogs, but I really find that it gives me new ideas for different combinations of items already in my closet, as well as a few new cravings... (like the cute stripped turtle neck below!)
Here are some pictures of Sydney from The Daybook!
Fun, right?!
I'm off to Mike's best friends wedding this weekend (sadly without him) and hopefully will get an update in on Sunday! xoxo
On a non-serious note, for anyone that has decided that they too like looking at fashion blogs, I've got a new one to share!! It's called "The Daybook" and it is super adorable, charming and well - just wonderful! I love her random snip-its of info from her life with her husband. Cuteness! I really think Kendi Everyday and The Daybook are my 2 current favorites right now! I'm sure many people could easily have negative things to say about fashion blogs, but I really find that it gives me new ideas for different combinations of items already in my closet, as well as a few new cravings... (like the cute stripped turtle neck below!)
Here are some pictures of Sydney from The Daybook!
I'm off to Mike's best friends wedding this weekend (sadly without him) and hopefully will get an update in on Sunday! xoxo
10.20.2010
identity crisis?
ok well no, not really, but I think I'm considered "curvy" in the fashion world....
As of late, I consider myself to be kinda a normal straight up and down kinda person.. not apple, or pear or any other fruit. However, when I was younger (aka high school) I certainly was way self-conscious of my "Seagram bootie" but as I've gained a few years and weight has shifted, I guess I'm over that having a bubble butt thing and forgot about it!
After being inspired by Chloe's look and having a slight sense of hope for the long skirt trend for fall, I tried on this skirt and later these corduroy pants that were on sale.. and by golly, I'm just too curvy for these items! Not gonna work!
I guess this shouldn't be a shock, really, as I have a pair of Gap jeans that are from the "curvy" line... but really?
Well, there ya have it folks! I've got currrrves - or at least more than I realized I had!
As of late, I consider myself to be kinda a normal straight up and down kinda person.. not apple, or pear or any other fruit. However, when I was younger (aka high school) I certainly was way self-conscious of my "Seagram bootie" but as I've gained a few years and weight has shifted, I guess I'm over that having a bubble butt thing and forgot about it!
After being inspired by Chloe's look and having a slight sense of hope for the long skirt trend for fall, I tried on this skirt and later these corduroy pants that were on sale.. and by golly, I'm just too curvy for these items! Not gonna work!
I guess this shouldn't be a shock, really, as I have a pair of Gap jeans that are from the "curvy" line... but really?
Well, there ya have it folks! I've got currrrves - or at least more than I realized I had!
10.17.2010
cleaning up the toothpaste and whiskers
Good morning, readers!! This week has felt very.. tiring! Nothing was all that out of the ordinary, but I'm just tired! I really think the emotions of everything with last weekend are still reaching the surface. Work is going well and I am slowly working on MY OWN caseload! I did 5 house visits this week with MY clients! Hurray! Still have the documentation to face on Monday! Things really are picking up at work and I think it's good timing! The days certainly go by faster when I have real stuff to do and not just oh I want to look busy stuff to do!
Got together with a few high school girls on Thursday for movie night! We watched Julie & Julia - such a fun movie! Definitely inspired me to at least want to look at my cook books again. So far, haven't touched them, but I have big ambitions of getting back into cooking! lol. We will see how long that takes!
Yesterday I went with the mom-in-law to a bridal luncheon for Mike's best friend's fiance, Jenna! It was great to meet a few people and get even more excited for their wedding in 2 weeks! After a quick break the in laws and parents and I went out for Mexican!! This is the only Mexican restaurant so far that doesn't give me "huge blah Mexican stomach aches"! =success!
This morning I played hookie from church and had a skype coffee date with the husband! It. was. wonderful. I love him so much and it almost felt like normal to sit in our pjs and drink coffee together and catch up on life's happenings. He's doing well in Texas and we get to talk every day (well at least so far!) but reception is poor and ya never know when he's going to have free time to talk. Needless to say, getting to have good quality, "face to face" time this morning was just what I needed! I love that he can make me feel more human just by seeing his face. Love ya, hubs!
After the coffee and getting caught up on some blogs I was ready to clean! I started to tackle the nasty second bathroom that the cats have done unmentionable things to and clean up toothpaste spillage and those pesky whiskers that never seem to get all the way washed down the sink. I have much more cleaning ahead of me, but it's a start!
Headed to the parents house this afternoon for fun bonding shopping time with mom and brother while dad gets his mandolin playing on at a wedding in KY!
Happy Sunday!
Got together with a few high school girls on Thursday for movie night! We watched Julie & Julia - such a fun movie! Definitely inspired me to at least want to look at my cook books again. So far, haven't touched them, but I have big ambitions of getting back into cooking! lol. We will see how long that takes!
Yesterday I went with the mom-in-law to a bridal luncheon for Mike's best friend's fiance, Jenna! It was great to meet a few people and get even more excited for their wedding in 2 weeks! After a quick break the in laws and parents and I went out for Mexican!! This is the only Mexican restaurant so far that doesn't give me "huge blah Mexican stomach aches"! =success!
This morning I played hookie from church and had a skype coffee date with the husband! It. was. wonderful. I love him so much and it almost felt like normal to sit in our pjs and drink coffee together and catch up on life's happenings. He's doing well in Texas and we get to talk every day (well at least so far!) but reception is poor and ya never know when he's going to have free time to talk. Needless to say, getting to have good quality, "face to face" time this morning was just what I needed! I love that he can make me feel more human just by seeing his face. Love ya, hubs!
After the coffee and getting caught up on some blogs I was ready to clean! I started to tackle the nasty second bathroom that the cats have done unmentionable things to and clean up toothpaste spillage and those pesky whiskers that never seem to get all the way washed down the sink. I have much more cleaning ahead of me, but it's a start!
Headed to the parents house this afternoon for fun bonding shopping time with mom and brother while dad gets his mandolin playing on at a wedding in KY!
Happy Sunday!
10.11.2010
childhood toys
After posting about the Franklin and Super Magic Diary, the wheels started turning!!! This was a very fun blog post to "research"! Enjoy!
1) Puppy Surprise - my brother and I both had our own puppy surprise! I loved these things! My childhood best friend not only had puppy surprise but kitty and horse and who knows what the heck else! I was jealllllous!
2) Cupcake Dolls - These dolls had a rubber skirt that you could turn inside out to transform it into a cupcake! I'm pretty sure they were scented too, which was always THE BEST!
3) Littlest Pet Shop - I'm talking the original - not the current creepy stuff!!
4) Tamagotchi / Nano pet & baby
5) Trolls!
4) Tamagotchi / Nano pet & baby
6) Pogs - especially the Disney ones!! Phillip and I got into many fights over these things! Especially when his would mysteriously go missing....
7) Rainbow Brite - c'mon you knew this one would be on here! I don't think I actually had the doll, but I think my preschool did! She was pretty cool!
7) Rainbow Brite - c'mon you knew this one would be on here! I don't think I actually had the doll, but I think my preschool did! She was pretty cool!
8) Iron On Beads
9) Girl Talk - Oh yes, this was the best game to play with friends! Hours of entertainment, and what can beat those red dot zit stickers?
Other notable mentions:
-Stretch & Fetch Armstrong
-Creepy Crawlers - To be fair, this was my brothers, but it was a good time - even if we managed to burn ourselves a few times!
-Silly Putty
-Care Bears
-Polly Pocket
-Yak Bak
-TY beanie babies (of course) - and no, this isn't my collection!
-PJ Sparkles - another toy I remember (but only from looking at the list) - I remember the commercials probably and remember my friends having one and thinking they were just glamorous!
Even though I was born in the 80s I remember more from the 90s... if you want to go further down memory lane, I found a three part article (here, here, and here) with a bunch of toys / items that I remember loving in the 90s! Also check out this blog: Children of the 90s.
What items did I miss that were important / noteworthy in your childhood?
Do you remember?
Not sure what made me think of this the other day, but did you ever have one of these electronic diaries? It was one of my most favorite toys that I couldn't wait to get! Who knows how long I actually used it and thought it was cool, but I remember thinking it was THE coolest thing ever!!
One of my favorite parts was the magic beam where you could send messages and info to your friend's magic diary when you sat the device in front of each other! Now I think this used infrared light, but it made me think that it was texting for the 90's!! Neat-o!
While writing this post I was reminded of another 90's electronic device! The Franklin Dictionary!!! I forget when/ why my parents bought this for me, but it sure did help me get my homework faster and avoid turning pages in a real dictionary! I also remember loving to play hangman!
What were your favorite electronic toys as a kid?
10.09.2010
Playing Catch Up!
Good morning! Had a decent night sleep - thank goodness - and am starting to feel a little more human!! One of the many overwhelming things to me yesterday when I got back to my apartment was the mess that I had allowed to accumulate over the 2 weeks Mike was home!! It was so easy to put stuff on the back burner and just be with him! So - this morning I did dishes and am starting to tidy, and catch up on emails and writing things down in my calendar and paying bills. Woo!
Mevy introduced me to a new blog that I want to share with you: Mila's Daydreams. I've added it to my list of fun blogs to the right side of my blog. This blogger is a creative new momma on maternity leave who tries to imagine her child's dreams and captures it! Super clever! I learned from the FAQ section that the baby doesn't actually take naps on the floor - the mom just places her into the scene and then puts her back into her crib. :)
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| "An Ordinary Day" |
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| "Swing Low" |
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| "Let's Play Beauty Salon" |
Here are a random assortment of pics from the past few weeks!
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| We let Amelia out on our deck.. She found a new resting spot.. |
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| Fall fun at a local farm - it had a corn maze and a hay ride!! |
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| My love being silly in the corn maze! Ha. |
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| A large beer! Out to dinner with his parents. |
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| Last night in Cincy :( |
10.08.2010
Dear Diary...
(Pre?) Deployment Day 1:
Well, I've been told the countdown officially started yesterday (a max of 400 days deployment - in theory) and today is day 399. Even though the soldiers are still "in country", the countdown has begun. Really this is a good thing because it means less time overseas, but it has left me feeling confused about how to describe this new phase! Until Mike tells me what this is actually called, I'm calling it pre-deployment, because calling it deployment already sounds overly dramatic... can I truthfully state, "my husband is deployed"? I don't know... so - pre deployment it is.
Now that that is out of the way... I feel funny. I have seen both 3am and 4am two days in a row, and part of the funniness has to do with that, I'm sure. Things seem overwhelming to me and I'm irritable! Driving in the car to my parents house this evening I kept changing the temperature because nothing seemed to feel right and the radio because what song was really "safe" to listen to without starting water works? I decided on something annoying that give me a headache but at least it didn't make me think of h-i-m.
Backing up (did I mention that I have lost all sense of focus and organization? - should make for a good blog entry, folks!) these past 2 days went better and more smoothly than I could have imagined. I'm so thankful Mike's parents were able to come down and I feel closer to them now more than ever. I was expecting the last goodbye/ last hug / last kiss to break me - but I survived! I cried (duh!) but ya know I was fine! I was ok watching them fly away, and I was mostly ok the rest of the morning and drive home (it helped that Mom M road home with me and we chatted the entire way home)!
Thinking I was just miss fancy pants who has it all together already (how could I have been so dumb? I should have known better!) I sure was surprised when I got in the car to go to my parents house (the first time I've really had a moment to be with my thoughts) and couldn't stop crying = excellent time to be a wreck.. while driving! Superb! Then I was fine again while Dad was updating me on their time in Canada (for my great uncle's funeral) and next time I had a moment alone = water works! Damnit!!!
So THAT was frustrating! I think I'm feeling things similar to what I felt when a grandparent dies. Let me explain before you judge and think I've really gone off the deep end (and babe if you're reading this, yes, I know that just because you are away doesn't mean you're dead!!!!). I remember after my Grandpa Seagie passed away driving somewhere and thinking "gosh nobody knows and understands that this significant thing happened - how can they not see that? all these strangers driving and just going on with their normal lives while I'm having these out of body experiences and going through the motions and not really sure what's up and what's down."
Driving to my parents house this afternoon, I had those thoughts all over again. I felt like "gosh am I wearing a 'my husband is (pre?)deployed' tshirt? because I feel like people should just be able to tell because my feelings feel that strong? or a how can they not know and understand that this significant thing has happened and everything about my life and who I am feels.. different!" does what I'm saying make ANY sense to you? I'm still working on the wording for that whole tshirt experience. I guess I just feel branded - like I have a sign that tells the world what happened -but at the same time I know these people as they are driving don't know and understand, but still feel like they should? ok.. rein it in, Tina!
Hmm. so there's that. Then there's the "don't be nice to me or I'll cry" thinking - but then later deciding that I need a hug!
Jacked up PMS-like symptoms perhaps?
Well. Today is just day 1. Maybe my thoughts will be more coherent after some sleep!
Well, I've been told the countdown officially started yesterday (a max of 400 days deployment - in theory) and today is day 399. Even though the soldiers are still "in country", the countdown has begun. Really this is a good thing because it means less time overseas, but it has left me feeling confused about how to describe this new phase! Until Mike tells me what this is actually called, I'm calling it pre-deployment, because calling it deployment already sounds overly dramatic... can I truthfully state, "my husband is deployed"? I don't know... so - pre deployment it is.
Now that that is out of the way... I feel funny. I have seen both 3am and 4am two days in a row, and part of the funniness has to do with that, I'm sure. Things seem overwhelming to me and I'm irritable! Driving in the car to my parents house this evening I kept changing the temperature because nothing seemed to feel right and the radio because what song was really "safe" to listen to without starting water works? I decided on something annoying that give me a headache but at least it didn't make me think of h-i-m.
Backing up (did I mention that I have lost all sense of focus and organization? - should make for a good blog entry, folks!) these past 2 days went better and more smoothly than I could have imagined. I'm so thankful Mike's parents were able to come down and I feel closer to them now more than ever. I was expecting the last goodbye/ last hug / last kiss to break me - but I survived! I cried (duh!) but ya know I was fine! I was ok watching them fly away, and I was mostly ok the rest of the morning and drive home (it helped that Mom M road home with me and we chatted the entire way home)!
Thinking I was just miss fancy pants who has it all together already (how could I have been so dumb? I should have known better!) I sure was surprised when I got in the car to go to my parents house (the first time I've really had a moment to be with my thoughts) and couldn't stop crying = excellent time to be a wreck.. while driving! Superb! Then I was fine again while Dad was updating me on their time in Canada (for my great uncle's funeral) and next time I had a moment alone = water works! Damnit!!!
So THAT was frustrating! I think I'm feeling things similar to what I felt when a grandparent dies. Let me explain before you judge and think I've really gone off the deep end (and babe if you're reading this, yes, I know that just because you are away doesn't mean you're dead!!!!). I remember after my Grandpa Seagie passed away driving somewhere and thinking "gosh nobody knows and understands that this significant thing happened - how can they not see that? all these strangers driving and just going on with their normal lives while I'm having these out of body experiences and going through the motions and not really sure what's up and what's down."
Driving to my parents house this afternoon, I had those thoughts all over again. I felt like "gosh am I wearing a 'my husband is (pre?)deployed' tshirt? because I feel like people should just be able to tell because my feelings feel that strong? or a how can they not know and understand that this significant thing has happened and everything about my life and who I am feels.. different!" does what I'm saying make ANY sense to you? I'm still working on the wording for that whole tshirt experience. I guess I just feel branded - like I have a sign that tells the world what happened -but at the same time I know these people as they are driving don't know and understand, but still feel like they should? ok.. rein it in, Tina!
Hmm. so there's that. Then there's the "don't be nice to me or I'll cry" thinking - but then later deciding that I need a hug!
Jacked up PMS-like symptoms perhaps?
Well. Today is just day 1. Maybe my thoughts will be more coherent after some sleep!
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