May 1st!

To me, this just feels crazy. Last year May was SUCH a BIG month - graduation, moving, wedding, honeymoon, birthday! Wowzer. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hesitant going it solo this year- although I know I have the support of friends and family. It's just kind of .. daunting.

This time last year graduation was a week away, and the wedding a week and 1 day after that! There was so much excitement and hustle and bustle and last minute planning - oh my!

This year, the new class of MSWs will not have a graduation due to the horrific tornadoes that devastated the south last week, causing graduation to be postponed until August.. man. That's a hard thing to sort through.

It's hard not to be pensive at the very least. I just can't believe it's been a year! I've been so busy counting down my deployment calendar that the "length of time we've been married" calendar has taken a backseat - although always in the back of my mind. I guess because the year of deployment mark has a handful of months left, it's shocking that our anniversary is just around the corner!

I'm guessing the key will be to stay busy (as usual) and skype/email with husband as much as possible! I have a Chicago trip coming up that I'm very much looking forward to, and a bunch of family dinners - including the always anticipated "birthday palooza" where we cram 3 birthdays in at once! ..Spring/ summer is a busy birthday time in my family! A palooza just makes sense.

Early June I'll be heading to a wedding in Evansville, IN and get to see some great friends and sorority sisters that I haven't seen in 4-5 years! It'll be great! And then little brother FINALLY gets to graduate from his crazy, rigorous college program! That will be a huge celebration! .. and before I know it, it'll be halfway through June and the time left of deployment will be shrinking!

I'm going to try to be that girl that people are like "oh she handles this so well!" and if I'm not, well, I have one hell of an excuse! :)

Happy May y'all!

P.S. If those April showers don't bring May flowers, somebody is going to have a talkin' to! 

Not quite right

I was so excited to make organic mac and cheese tonight (a leftover box from when Mike was home - we already ate the "Bugs and Slugs" but had shells left) and realized after the noodles had already started to cook that I didn't have any milk. No problem, I think. Well, it was just not quite right.

I feel that way about my... current situation? life? dunno what to call it. Not quite right. I knew this was going to be challenging, but it is so different than what I thought I was kinda-sorta-almost prepared for. Unfortunately, this feels so different than any of the other trainings and times apart. I guess I just know that when he is home it won't be for long / for good and that more time has to pass for him to really come home.

I feel kinda numb. I keep reassuring him that I'm just working my way through this and that I will be fine I just have to adjust. Boy do I wish I knew how to speed up THAT process.

I have these goals and ideas of what I should be doing, like relying on the Lord, cooking real food (not out of a box or frozen), getting back into yoga (which I did for all of 5 days this summer), reading etc etc. The thing is, inside I know that doing those things are what will help me adjust, and get through this awkward stage of newness. I'm just not there yet.

So if I feel like I have my "answers", but I'm just "not there yet" really I'm just being brutal to myself, I guess, because I'm essentially saying, oh no, just deal with the pain a little more and get to feel really bad, then maybe we can consider doing something healthy and beneficial. Grrrreat.

I find these feelings to be incredibly interesting from a clinical perspective with regards to individuals that are clinically depressed (not there yet, folks, mercifully!). I read / hear about the low energy and motivation component and how really they know how to get themselves out of the rut, there is just no desire. It's not that people who are depressed are stupid - they understand this! They just can't seem to get there - yet.

I have these days, sometimes, where I'm just all out of sorts - my clothes don't feel comfortable on me, I can't seem to decide if I'm hot or cold, there is nothing right to listen to and I'm just irritable! Yeah, sure it may just be PMS on occasion, but other times I really think it's because I can't fix things. No matter what I do, it doesn't fix the fact that I feel this void, this piece of me - missing.

Well, folks, that's as far as my introspection has gotten me thus far. Somewhat abrupt.. Stay tuned to read more ramblings as I figure them out!

Dear Diary...

(Pre?) Deployment Day 1:

Well, I've been told the countdown officially started yesterday (a max of 400 days deployment - in theory) and today is day 399. Even though the soldiers are still "in country", the countdown has begun. Really this is a good thing because it means less time overseas, but it has left me feeling confused about how to describe this new phase! Until Mike tells me what this is actually called, I'm calling it pre-deployment, because calling it deployment already sounds overly dramatic... can I truthfully state, "my husband is deployed"? I don't know... so - pre deployment it is.

Now that that is out of the way... I feel funny. I have seen both 3am and 4am two days in a row, and part of the funniness has to do with that, I'm sure. Things seem overwhelming to me and I'm irritable! Driving in the car to my parents house this evening I kept changing the temperature because nothing seemed to feel right and the radio because what song was really "safe" to listen to without starting water works? I decided on something annoying that give me a headache but at least it didn't make me think of h-i-m.

Backing up (did I mention that I have lost all sense of focus and organization? - should make for a good blog entry, folks!) these past 2 days went better and more smoothly than I could have imagined. I'm so thankful Mike's parents were able to come down and I feel closer to them now more than ever. I was expecting the last goodbye/ last hug / last kiss to break me - but I survived! I cried (duh!) but ya know I was fine! I was ok watching them fly away, and I was mostly ok the rest of the morning and drive home (it helped that Mom M road home with me and we chatted the entire way home)!

Thinking I was just miss fancy pants who has it all together already (how could I have been so dumb? I should have known better!) I sure was surprised when I got in the car to go to my parents house (the first time I've really had a moment to be with my thoughts) and couldn't stop crying = excellent time to be a wreck.. while driving! Superb! Then I was fine again while Dad was updating me on their time in Canada (for my great uncle's funeral) and next time I had a moment alone = water works! Damnit!!!

So THAT was frustrating! I think I'm feeling things similar to what I felt when a grandparent dies. Let me explain before you judge and think I've really gone off the deep end (and babe if you're reading this, yes, I know that just because you are away doesn't mean you're dead!!!!). I remember after my Grandpa Seagie passed away driving somewhere and thinking "gosh nobody knows and understands that this significant thing happened - how can they not see that? all these strangers driving and just going on with their normal lives while I'm having these out of body experiences and going through the motions and not really sure what's up and what's down."

Driving to my parents house this afternoon, I had those thoughts all over again. I felt like "gosh am I wearing a 'my husband is (pre?)deployed' tshirt? because I feel like people should just be able to tell because my feelings feel that strong? or a how can they not know and understand that this significant thing has happened and everything about my life and who I am feels.. different!" does what I'm saying make ANY sense to you? I'm still working on the wording for that whole tshirt experience. I guess I just feel branded - like I have a sign that tells the world what happened -but at the same time I know these people as they are driving don't know and understand, but still feel like they should? ok.. rein it in, Tina!

Hmm. so there's that. Then there's the "don't be nice to me or I'll cry" thinking - but then later deciding that I need a hug!

Jacked up PMS-like symptoms perhaps?

Well. Today is just day 1. Maybe my thoughts will be more coherent after some sleep!